My client Moses just won’t go get a tutor! He’s struggling with his freshman math course; in fact, he made a 20/50 on his midterm.
At the end of last week’s academic coaching session, Moses committed to getting a math tutor, but when I checked in with him the following week: no dice. “I blew it off,” he said.
In our most recent session I resolved not to give up until I’d helped Moses crack his resistance to getting a math tutor. After all, he wants to be a science major, and he NEEDS math credits. If he can’t make math work for him now, he’s not going to achieve his overall goal.
By the end of the session, after he walked through the following six steps, Moses had a whole new understanding about his resistance, and was ready to act.
Before I tell you how, here’s a question for you, dear reader: What is an area of your life in which you’re resisting getting help? As I tell you what I did with Moses, think about your own situation and see if you can walk yourself through the steps along with him.
1. Dig deep, admit to yourself why you’re resisting help, and give yourself some compassion.
“Why?” I asked Moses. “What is keeping you from taking an action that will not only help your grade, but will relieve some of your stress? What’s going on?!”
Moses hesitated, and then out burst a story about how horrible his previous experience with a math tutor was. “It sure makes sense why you’ve been putting that off,” I reassured. After all, who would willingly seek out an experience if they expected it to be so bad? That’s just masochistic. Through our Skype window, I noticed the muscles on Moses’ face relax a bit. It’s good to be reassured that we’re not freakish and that our actions do “make sense.”
What’s the deeper reason you’re hesitating to get help? How can you give yourself compassion?
2. Imagine what the situation might be like without the problem in place.
I then asked Moses, “What’s the perfect scenario? How do you wish a tutoring session would go?”
“The tutor would know the math course I’m taking,” Moses said. “I’d come in, spend a minute or two showing him what I need, and then the tutor would know exactly what he needs to do to help me. We wouldn’t waste time, and we’d spend the entire hour with me practicing what I need.”
What clarity Moses has about what he needs! And his desire doesn’t seem too unrealistic, does it? It’s too bad he didn’t get that last time, but how great that he can request it this time around!
What’s your ideal scenario about what getting help will look and feel like?
3. Admit your vulnerability to the new person, and enlist their help in making a plan so the bad experience doesn’t happen again.
I then told Moses to pretend that he’s the new tutor, and that I am him. We did a short role play in which I said the following words, “Hey, my name is Moses and I need help with my math 110 course. I’m really relieved to have a tutor, but before we start, I need to tell you that my last experience with a tutor wasn’t good at all. Because of that bad experience, I’ve been putting off coming to see you, which means I’m more behind than I’d like to be. I’m feeling nervous, because I don’t want to have another bad experience. Would you mind if I told you what went wrong that last time, so we could make a plan about how we might work differently?”
Moses (as the tutor), responded eagerly, “Sure. That sounds like a good idea!” In our debrief afterwards, he admitted that as the tutor, he was not put off by this request, and in fact, appreciated it. He said he could imagine initiating a similar conversation with his new tutor, if he gets one.
What might you say to the person from whom you’re requesting help? What request can you make that will lessen your anxiety in working with them?
4. Notice all the excuses your Ego gives you to stop you from taking care of yourself. Decide if they’re legitimate excuses or not.
After the role play, I suggested to Moses that he call the Learning Center RIGHT NOW during our session, and make an appointment with the tutor. Suddenly a waterfall of excuses spilled out of him:
“I don’t have the money.” “Getting a tutor now won’t do any good because the semester is almost over.” ” I’ll do it later.” “Would you make the call? I don’t want to.”
I smiled, and asked him, “You like psychology. Do you know what your Ego is?” He shook his head looking a little shy. “Your Ego is your sense of identity and the part of you that is used to being a certain way. Sometimes our Egos are scared of change. I’m guessing that your Ego is a bit mad at me right now because I’m asking it to do something it doesn’t want to do. It’s trying to prove it’s right by giving me all those excuses.”
I continued, “What I’m asking you to do right now is to take a stand, to say boldly to your Ego, “Right now I need to take care of myself. I hear your objections, but I’m going to get help anyway.”
What excuses are you making to keep yourself from taking action?
5. Put the plan in motion quickly, before the excuses have time to take shape.
Right then during our session, I googled the phone number for the tutoring center, and instant messaged it over to Moses. I then stayed on Skype and watched as he called and got the information he needed about making an appointment next week.
What is a small, incremental task that you can do right now to start getting the help you need?
6. Remember that it’s ok to be nervous.
At the end of the phone call, when I was congratulating him on taking a stand FOR (rather than against) his own longterm wellbeing, Moses admitted, “I feel really nervous.”
Yep. That’s a good sign. That means that he’s trying something new, and of course it’s a little scary. But he’ll be alright.
Did you take your first incremental step? Take a moment to notice how you’re feeling and welcome whatever feeling shows up.
What have you discovered about your own resistance to getting help? Please comment below! Your stories are helpful, and I often share them with my clients.
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